Spray and Pray

Posted on Thu Mar 5, 2026 @ 5:47am by Lieutenant T'Lul & Lieutenant JG Ace Cannon & Lieutenant Commander Karzen Son of Arjune, Son of Ragan MD, MPH & Senior Chief Petty Officer Alexander Rylan

2,250 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Chicken Run
Location: Operations

ON

Lieutenant Commander Karzen tapped his commbadge. "Mister Cannon, this is Lieutenant Commander Karzen," he said. "Please respond. We should meet somewhere you can access environmental controls."

Ace was tired of working. Between Tillie, the animals, Bri, Paula, T'Lul, and all the systems on the fritz and being repaired one by one, he had enough of work to last a lifetime, or at least a year. "Very well, I can meet you in Operations."

"Understood," Karzen replied. "I'll see you shortly." Karzen had assumed Cannon would want to meet in Operations, so Karzen had practically been there when the lieutenant had replied to him and asked him to go there. Karzen appeared in Operations shortly there after and looked around for Cannon.

T'Lul arrived in operations shortly, her face impassive as ever.

Ace had his head buried in a computer console and he was moving from one panel to another, as he got readings. When the Commander walked in, Ace asked, "What can I do for you?"

"The intreprid leaders of the science and medical departments have braved the mysteries of the unknown and, against steep odds and perilous conundrums, have successfully, may the Great Bird of the Galaxy bless us with their good fortune, developed an aerosol and antidote and prophylactic for the hallucinogenic glitter, bringing honor to us and our colleagues. We would like you to distribute the aerosol using the base environmental systems, much the way you might use them to administer anesthezine gas. Is this possible?"

Karzen wasn't sure if including 'Counseling' separately from the medical department would make T'Lul feel included or condescended to, or not feel anything at all either way, so he made a snap judgement to fold counseling into medical... and mentally crossed his fingers that he hadn't offended the lieutenant.

"Science came up with something. No kidding?!" he asked. "Well, yes, I can absolutely put them through the environmental system. What's it going to do to all of us, besides taking care of the glitter?"

"Well," Karzen said. "The good thing is that your urine should return to its normal color in a week or so, and the risk of earlobe enlargement is minimal. Should the latter occur, it will be temporary and not painful at all... we think." Karzen tapped a few buttons on his PaDD. "I've sent you the formula. The computer should be able to synthesize it and distribute it evenly throughout the base, accounting for the population density and atmospheric conditions at the time, if I am correct about the functionality of the environmental system."

"That was a joke, wasn't it?" Ace asked slightly concerned. The formula arrived on his console shortly afterwards. "I have the formula. Let's just pray that the replicators are not contaminated so that we can distribute it appropriately."

"Hmm..." Karzen said. "I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps we could test it in a smaller area first? Mixed inappropriately, some of the components of the antidote have reportedly been linked to spontaneous formation of a unibrow in some test subjects. These permanent in some cases, persistent in others. I'd hate to have to perform hair removal procedures on tens of thousands of people... minus the ones who either already have unibrows or are too hairy to care either way."

He had not thought of that? It seems that anyone can make Commander nowadays. I wonder if I should motivate myself to do that. Nah. It would take too much free time away and there would be less time for women. Patiently, Ace said, "That would probably be wise, sir, especially since some replicators were malfunctioning in private quarters. Perhaps a shuttlebay?"

"Exellent idea!" Karzen said. "But a small one. After all, I'm a doctor not a barber."

Ace looked at Karzen confused. "As you say, sir. Shall we go?"

"Certainly," Karzen said. "After you, and after you as well, Lieutenant T'Lul."

Ace had not noticed the counselor in the room. Why was she here? Was this some sort of assessment? Whatever the answer was, T'Lul was not talking. She merely gave a small nod to Karzen as she exited operations.

Ace gave a quizzical look at Karzen but quickly removed himself from operations and headed down to a small shuttlebay. Luckily, the turbolifts had not been afflicted yet by this mysterious substance. Silently, he wondered why. Upon arrival, he headed immediately to a replicator and said, "Computer, Vulcan spice tea." The computer acknowledged, but a pinkish purple chick made of a gummy material and coated in sprinkles arrived instead. "Well, that's not good," Ace stated obviously.

"Hmmm..." Karzen said, musing over the situation. "We have a substance we can use to disolve and render inert the glitter goo once it is formed, separate from the aerosol, that is, for whatever that's worth here. I wonder if we replicate the cleansing substance through these replicators, the resultant goo will be a combination of the goo and the cleansing substance and through that combination, be rendered inert? Or will it just be the goo? I'm not sure if that helps us or not, but it will give us more data to work with." Karzen tapped a few keys on his PaDD, sending the formula for the cleansing solution to Ace's PaDD. "Unless you think, in you education, training, and experience, that doing so going to present a danger or otherwise cause more harm than good, attempt to order a beaker of the formula I just sent you and let's see what we get."

T'Lul said, "Logically, if this cure will dissolve and make it intert, the goo should go away. It should not be goo again."

"Well, there's one way to find out," Ace answered. "Why don't you release some of that in our replicator here, and experiment?"

"To be clear," Karzen said. "There are two different formulae. One is for the antidote, the other is for a cleanser to remove the goo from the animals. I am suggesting you attempt to REPLICATE the CLEANSER and see if what comes out is the glitter goo, the cleanser, or a combination of them both, and if it's a combination, does that result in the goo disolving. That will give us more data to work with."

"Ah," Ace said understandingly, or at least he thought so. "Well, let's open this baby up first and see if the mechanics are an issue or if it is the processing that is causing these purple things to come out." Before waiting for an answer, Ace started opening up the panels.

T'Lul raised an eyebrow, a bit surprised that Ace actually was acting logically.

"By all means," Karzen said. "Make it so."

Ace opened up the panel and started looking at the mechanics which were covered in goo. "Just lovely," Ace told the room despondently. "Guess we have to clean and use the antidote here. Normally I don't mind getting something gooey but this is not my idea of the kind of goo I enjoy."

"The antidote won't do you any good here, I'm afraid," Karzen said. "It just treats people affected by the hallucinogen. The cleanser will probably help you, since that's what we designed it to do."

"Here's hoping...." Ace asked, taking the cleanser. "Just spray it?" he asked Karzen. "How much is enough?"

Karzen raised an eyebrow. "I think you've been affected by the hallucinogen," he said. "Are you under the impression you've taken something from my hand? Because I only came in here with a PaDD that had the replicator codes for dramatic effect, because emailing them to you seemed boring. I didn't bring any of the cleanser with me." Karzen reached in his pocket and pulled out a hypospray. "Here," he said. "This should help." Karzen pressed the hypospray to Ace's neck and activated it. "Things should seem clearer in a moment." For good measure, Karzen did the same to T'Lul and then to himself. "Just in case," he said.

Ace decided that he did not care for Karzen in that moment. "Let's just get this done."

"This might help," Karzen said and tapped his commbadge. "Rylan, Karzen."

"Karzen, Rylan," came the reply. "What can I do for you Doc?"

"Using our isolated, air gapped replicators in Sickbay," Karzen said. "Make me a two litre bottle of the cleanser, with a hose and spray nozzle and beam it to me in Ops."

"Copy that," Alex said. "Standby." A moment later, the two litre bottle of the cleanser they'd devised appeared at Karzen's feet.

"Excellent, Alex, thank you," Karzen said. "Karzen out." The old Klingon turned to Ace. "Alright," he said. "Let's see if this helps." He sprayed the goo with a little cleanser, then a little more, and then the goo disolved into a puddle of bubbling liquid that ran down the hull and collected on the deck. "Well," Karzen said. "That worked."

Ace did a quick review of the replicator. Everything seemed in order. He then put it back together and told it, "Vulcan spice tea." This time, it obediently produced a cup of tea which Ace handed to T'Lul. "Please, see how I cook."

T'Lul answered, "Technically, you did not cook anything. You merely ordered something from the computer which was produced by replication. However," she said halting her words before taking a sip of the tea. "This tea is properly made."

"Excellent," Karzen said. "How do we use this to our advantage? Opening every panel on the base and manually spraying all of the goo seems impractical."

"It is," Ace agreed, while T'Lul nodded. "However, from here, I could tap into the environmental systems and have your concoction replicated and sprayed across the ship. That should be able to cure most of the problems," Ace explained.

"Excellent," Karzen said. He tappped a few buttons on his PADD. "There," he said. "Now you have the formula for the cleanser. That will solve the goo problem. Then we'll need to deal with everyone hallucinating. Once you've cleaned the system, I assume we can administer the aersolized anti-hallucinogenic medication through the environmental systems? That was actually what I came down here to do. No one explained that the replicator issue and, as ours in Sickbay is isolated for safety concerns, it didn't affect us and so we didn't have anyway of discovering the issue until I got here."

"I am surprised that you had not yet been to the replicator in your own quarters," Ace commented to the annoying Klingon. "Anyway, I should have this up and through the station in the next few minutes and we should be clean of this mess."

"Spare me the snark, Lieutenant.I was in Sickbay when this started and I've been in Sickbay since we started working on the cleanser and the antidote, as has Lieutenant T'Lul. Neither of us has had time to go to our quarters," Karzen said, the tone in his voice hardening. He didn't often pull rank, but when he did, the old Klingon was unapologetic about it. "Now, after you've cleared the system of this annoying goo, you will immediately inform me and I will order the administration of the anti-hallucinogenic aerosol. The correct responses include either 'Yes, sir' or a respectful and concise explanation of why you can't do what I'm asking." Karzen let that sit then continued. "Your turn."

Ace's eyes steeled. What was this Klingon's problem, "Yes sir." Now get the hell out of my face so I can do my job and have some high and mighty jerk like you in my way.

"Excellent," Karzen said. "That was easy. You have the code for the cleanser. I'll await your call for the antidote. I wish you the best of luck conquering your enemies." He probably considers me an enemy, Karzen thought. Ah, well. RHIP. Rank Hath Its Problems. "Until we meet again, Lieutenant T'Lul." Then the old Klingon left before anyone could say anything requiring him to put them on report. Karzen was fairly certain the lieutenant's name should be Ace 'Loose' Cannon. No need to cause the boy more grief that he'd already caused himself.

Ace gave no response. Karzen had not asked for one and he had enough of the Klingon.

For T'Lul's part, she marvelled at the interaction, trying to dissect it. "Thank you, Commander Karzen. I will be in my office if I am required."

Karzen was out the door, having left before T'Lul spoke. He found it strange that she would say something when he was that far away, out in the corridor. But his keen Romulan ears picked up her farewell. Not wishing to shout, he tapped his commbadge. "Thank you, Lieutenant," he said into his badge without breaking his stride. He was a busy little Klingon. Maybe he'd go help Alex and Babatunde. Karzen often found the two chiefs good company. They were competent, with good senses of humor. Though they sassed him frequently, no disrespect was ever intended and they knew when to quick screwing around and get the job done. Probably a medical thing. The three men saw horrible things. If they didn't have a gallows humor, they'd go mad. But when time came to be serious, that's what they were. And better, they paid attention.


OFF

Lieutenant Commander Karzen, MD, MPH
Assistant Chief Medical Officer
Chief Flight Surgeon

Senior Chief Alex Rylan, EMT-P
Independent Duty Corpsman

Lieutenant T'Lul
Chief Counselor
DS5

Lieutenant JG Ace Cannon
Assistant Chief Operations Officer
DS5

 

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